My fellow Americans, as we prepare for tomorrow’s inauguration of Donald J. Trump as our president, we have heard urgent calls for unity.
Some people will find this very difficult. Some still have not accepted that Donald Trump is going to be our president. They are not on the team, to say the least.
The plurality of Americans who voted for Mr. Trump has been offering instruction to non-believers all along, but the non-believers may not have noticed due to the subtle, gentle and low-key manner in which the true believers have supported their man.
We’re here to help. For the non-believers who want to convert, here are 10 simple beliefs and truths. If you embrace them, you will be right there with the original disciples.
■ Rule 1. Anything that our new president says is the truth, by virtue of the fact that he said it.
This is the single most powerful aspect of Donald Trump. It is similar to how Catholics view the pope, whom they believe to be infallible in matters of faith and morals. Except with Mr. Trump, it is not just faith and morals. It is every word on any subject that comes out of his mouth, even if he reverses himself a minute later. Some would call that a contradiction, but the miracle is, he was right both times because he speaks only truth at the moment of utterance.
See how it works? Isn’t that great? Is the pope a Catholic?
■ Rule 2. Anyone who questions or dares to criticize Mr. Trump is a sore loser who needs to get over it.
This rule is powerful because it means that anyone who questions anything about our new president, or his policies, or his team or his supporters is automatically an anti-American, Hillary-loving pathetic loser who has no business even asking the question, such as that fourth-rate actress Meryl Streep. This is especially true of the corrupt, fake news, mainstream media, which brings us to...
■ Rule 3. We need, as a nation, to have a Constitutional Convention to conduct “a review” of pesky provisions such as the First Amendment and make changes.
We also may want to review that aggravating 22nd Amendment that limits the voters from keeping a president in office indefinitely. Though it would be unprecedented, the chair of this convention should be President Trump himself. Whatever the convention delegates may suggest or oppose, the chairman should have the final say. Cut through the red tape, already.
■ Rule 4. Name-calling is now OK.
Go forth and teach your children. If the president does it, it’s fantastic. It’s tremendous.
■ Rule 5. You can be a devoutly religious person and still be on the Trump team.
Don’t listen to the losers who want us to believe our new president has acted inappropriately with women, made fun of the disabled, changed his tune on being pro-life (see Rule 1), engendered hatred and fear of immigrants and appealed to our baser instincts. If they insist on repeating these slanders, refer them to Rule 2. If they don’t stop, move on to Rule 4. If that doesn’t slow them down, pull out the big gun – quote the Good Book. I suggest the one about throwing the first stone. If that doesn’t work, you may just have to punch them out. An eye for an eye, etc.
■ Rule 6. The economy is gonna be seriously tremendous.
This is a man who started with a lousy $100 million and turned it into real money. He knows business. Sure, the losers will point out he declared bankruptcy three times and suggested in a debate that not paying taxes “makes me smart.” Taxes are for losers, for the little people to pay. He had bigger fish to fry. Or, at least, his questionably-documented domestic had to fry them. (They were tremendous.)
All you working-class stiffs and union members who voted for Mr. Trump, don’t worry about his pro-business agenda, such as passing right-to-work laws and isolating America from overseas markets for the stuff you make. Not only that, he’s going to put tariffs on all that junk that foreigners export to us so that those items will cost you more while you sell less. But it’s all gonna be great!
■ Rule 7. Don’t worry about military strategy.
Mr. Trump said he knows more than the generals. Mr. Trump said he knows how to defeat ISIS. He said only he could do it. If in doubt, consult Rule No. 1.
■ Rule 8. Buy all your stuff from L.L. Bean.
It came out last week that a granddaughter of founder Leon Leonwood Bean, the Maine bootmaker and outfitter, gave big bucks to Mr. Trump’s campaign. When a mini-tempest arose from the tree huggers who shop at L.L. Bean, Mr. Trump stepped up and tweeted that his people (and that’s you and me now) should buy from L.L. Bean. It was almost a commercial from the Oval Office, but in no way was it “pay to play” as the losers said. Buy the boots. They’re fantastic.
■ Rule 9. We will build that wall and Mexico will pay for it.
Mr. Trump is a builder. He knows how to build things. For anyone who owns skyscrapers, building a simple wall will be a piece of cake. In fact, to make sure it’s done right, we should all get behind the idea of the Trump companies getting the contract. We’ll get experience, inside knowledge, good coordination. We’ll make Mexico buy the bonds to pay for it. If those go bad, no problem. We’ll declare the project bankrupt. Wall built, problem solved. Tremendous.
■ Rule 10. Let no insult go unanswered, let no thought fragment go untweeted.
Everyone knows that the proper way to conduct yourself at home, in school and at your job is to immediately answer any challenge with the very first thing that pops into your head. Better yet, put it out on social media before you change your mind or start to think about it too much (or at all). Only losers and wimps shrink from hitting back with that first knee-jerk thought. Get it out there when it’s pure, hot animal reaction. That’s what made America great, and will again.
Well, that’s it, former losers. Master these 10 commandments and you will be team members in good standing
-Patrick Martin
Some people will find this very difficult. Some still have not accepted that Donald Trump is going to be our president. They are not on the team, to say the least.
The plurality of Americans who voted for Mr. Trump has been offering instruction to non-believers all along, but the non-believers may not have noticed due to the subtle, gentle and low-key manner in which the true believers have supported their man.
We’re here to help. For the non-believers who want to convert, here are 10 simple beliefs and truths. If you embrace them, you will be right there with the original disciples.
■ Rule 1. Anything that our new president says is the truth, by virtue of the fact that he said it.
This is the single most powerful aspect of Donald Trump. It is similar to how Catholics view the pope, whom they believe to be infallible in matters of faith and morals. Except with Mr. Trump, it is not just faith and morals. It is every word on any subject that comes out of his mouth, even if he reverses himself a minute later. Some would call that a contradiction, but the miracle is, he was right both times because he speaks only truth at the moment of utterance.
See how it works? Isn’t that great? Is the pope a Catholic?
■ Rule 2. Anyone who questions or dares to criticize Mr. Trump is a sore loser who needs to get over it.
This rule is powerful because it means that anyone who questions anything about our new president, or his policies, or his team or his supporters is automatically an anti-American, Hillary-loving pathetic loser who has no business even asking the question, such as that fourth-rate actress Meryl Streep. This is especially true of the corrupt, fake news, mainstream media, which brings us to...
■ Rule 3. We need, as a nation, to have a Constitutional Convention to conduct “a review” of pesky provisions such as the First Amendment and make changes.
We also may want to review that aggravating 22nd Amendment that limits the voters from keeping a president in office indefinitely. Though it would be unprecedented, the chair of this convention should be President Trump himself. Whatever the convention delegates may suggest or oppose, the chairman should have the final say. Cut through the red tape, already.
■ Rule 4. Name-calling is now OK.
Go forth and teach your children. If the president does it, it’s fantastic. It’s tremendous.
■ Rule 5. You can be a devoutly religious person and still be on the Trump team.
Don’t listen to the losers who want us to believe our new president has acted inappropriately with women, made fun of the disabled, changed his tune on being pro-life (see Rule 1), engendered hatred and fear of immigrants and appealed to our baser instincts. If they insist on repeating these slanders, refer them to Rule 2. If they don’t stop, move on to Rule 4. If that doesn’t slow them down, pull out the big gun – quote the Good Book. I suggest the one about throwing the first stone. If that doesn’t work, you may just have to punch them out. An eye for an eye, etc.
■ Rule 6. The economy is gonna be seriously tremendous.
This is a man who started with a lousy $100 million and turned it into real money. He knows business. Sure, the losers will point out he declared bankruptcy three times and suggested in a debate that not paying taxes “makes me smart.” Taxes are for losers, for the little people to pay. He had bigger fish to fry. Or, at least, his questionably-documented domestic had to fry them. (They were tremendous.)
All you working-class stiffs and union members who voted for Mr. Trump, don’t worry about his pro-business agenda, such as passing right-to-work laws and isolating America from overseas markets for the stuff you make. Not only that, he’s going to put tariffs on all that junk that foreigners export to us so that those items will cost you more while you sell less. But it’s all gonna be great!
■ Rule 7. Don’t worry about military strategy.
Mr. Trump said he knows more than the generals. Mr. Trump said he knows how to defeat ISIS. He said only he could do it. If in doubt, consult Rule No. 1.
■ Rule 8. Buy all your stuff from L.L. Bean.
It came out last week that a granddaughter of founder Leon Leonwood Bean, the Maine bootmaker and outfitter, gave big bucks to Mr. Trump’s campaign. When a mini-tempest arose from the tree huggers who shop at L.L. Bean, Mr. Trump stepped up and tweeted that his people (and that’s you and me now) should buy from L.L. Bean. It was almost a commercial from the Oval Office, but in no way was it “pay to play” as the losers said. Buy the boots. They’re fantastic.
■ Rule 9. We will build that wall and Mexico will pay for it.
Mr. Trump is a builder. He knows how to build things. For anyone who owns skyscrapers, building a simple wall will be a piece of cake. In fact, to make sure it’s done right, we should all get behind the idea of the Trump companies getting the contract. We’ll get experience, inside knowledge, good coordination. We’ll make Mexico buy the bonds to pay for it. If those go bad, no problem. We’ll declare the project bankrupt. Wall built, problem solved. Tremendous.
■ Rule 10. Let no insult go unanswered, let no thought fragment go untweeted.
Everyone knows that the proper way to conduct yourself at home, in school and at your job is to immediately answer any challenge with the very first thing that pops into your head. Better yet, put it out on social media before you change your mind or start to think about it too much (or at all). Only losers and wimps shrink from hitting back with that first knee-jerk thought. Get it out there when it’s pure, hot animal reaction. That’s what made America great, and will again.
Well, that’s it, former losers. Master these 10 commandments and you will be team members in good standing
-Patrick Martin
